I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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