the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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