can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
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Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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