I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
