I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
