I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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