The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
