oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
