I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
