the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
is that a dick in a sweater?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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