i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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