I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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