i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
