community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
