The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
