we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
