I look better un-naked...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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