Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
