is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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