My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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