so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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