bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
