please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
