I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You are a genius and a whore.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
