The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
