he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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