I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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