Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
