Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
