I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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