So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
