I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
