I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
