I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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