Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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