my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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