Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
