I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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