What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
