no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
