Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
