it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
