i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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