I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
