fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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