I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
