i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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