Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
