There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
third nipple confirmed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
