You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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