He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is it penis luge time yet?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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