I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
