Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And then my night got REAL pukey
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize