Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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