The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
