You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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