she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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