sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
